So you only own a Wii U, or perhaps you are only a strict PC gamer or maybe you just made the foolish decision to buy food for the week instead of getting Destiny on launch day. Well whatever the reason, until Bungie decides to port the game to PC or that deal with the devil I made goes through and they miraculously bring it to the Wii U, you’re going to be stuck twiddling your thumbs while your friends level their Warlock to max over the course of hundreds of hours of intense and mind-blowing gameplay. So what do you do now?
I’m here to help you answer that question and more. While the other MOARGeek staff members were busy jotting down their thoughts on Destiny and surely having the time of their lives, I’ve been compiling a list of things to help you, the reader, through this harrowing time in your life while your own personal friends frolic throughout the galaxy leaving you with only Mario Kart 8 and Madden 13 to keep you company.
1. Watch Netflix
Even pre-Destiny release I’ve been on quite a tear through my Netflix queue. So if you, like me, are looking for things to do to keep your mind off the game while it is all the entirety of the internet is talking about, here are some of the movies I’ve recently watched featuring characters that would also have no chance of playing the critically acclaimed RPG shooter.
Rubber (2010)
Rubber is a film of pure absurdity and sticks hard to the mantra of “no reason.” It is a great movie if you want to turn your brain off and just watch a tire blow things up with its psychic powers, but there is also plenty to analyze with its deep satirical message about filmmaking and the fans who love them. Being that the main character is a tire and therefore has no hands, it is easy for the viewer to relate to Rubber in that neither of you can play Destiny.
Prince Avalanche (2013)
Taking place shortly after a forest fire in the fall of 1988, Prince Avalanche is a charming story of two polar opposite highway road workers who would not even be able to comprehend a game such as Destiny being forced to work together and eventually overcoming their differences and becoming friends. Over the course of the movie’s 94-minute runtime you will be treated to serene visuals, a well-written script and some really great characters that will keep you engaged throughout the whole thing. Paul Rudd and Emile Hirsch turn in fantastic performances.
Mud (2012)
In 2012’s Mud, Matthew McConaughey plays a drifter accused of heinous crimes and is left chasing a girl he loves until he eventually ends up on a deserted island with presumably no access to power or running water, let alone a $449.00 Special Edition PlayStation 4 Destiny Bundle. Despite some awkward scenes and performances from teen actors, the film shines through great writing and a world that really feels weighted with characters having a real purpose outside of what is going on in the movie. Mud is only Jeff Nichols’ third major motion picture, and he continues to show that he is a director that deserves your attention.
All told, these three movies will kill roughly five hours of your idle time. Simply watch each of these movies twenty times and you should be in the clear. If after 100 hours of watching a leather-skinned Matthew McConaughey trick teenagers into helping him steal food your friends still can’t stop talking about the awesome Hunter kill they got the other day, there are still some other things you can do to kill extra time.
2. Insert Destiny Into Your Wii U Anyway
You really don’t know until try, right? Sure, the disc says PS4 but what if somehow a Wii U version slipped through and no one noticed but you? That’d be awesome.
Bonus: Put your friends copy into your Wii U then unplug the console and claim you can’t retrieve the game now. Force them to play checkers with you.
3. Play Some Backlogged Games
So #2 didn’t work out so well and now not only do you not have Destiny but your friend won’t talk to you. How about playing some of these great games from the past few years that you can pretend are Destiny?
XCOM: Enemy Unknown (PC)
You Destiny players think you’re so cool controlling one endlessly customizable super soldier, well guess what, XCOM gives you up to six at a time. In this turn based strategy game developed by Firaxs Games, you take on the role of commander for a secret government force fighting off an alien invasion. XCOM: Enemy Unknown is extremely deep both during and in-between fights. Definitely a “moment to learn, lifetime to master” type of game. After an hour or so you’ll be feeling pretty good until you get cocky and your entire squad gets wiped out.
Kerbal Space Program (PC)
Kerbal Space Program is an indie game still in development by Squad, with early access available for $20. It’s not hard to burn an afternoon or twelve building up your space program and, after a hundred or more hours, finally making a space craft capable of leaving the launch pad and not blowing up instantly. Definitely a game that you should plan to put some real time into. Doing anything takes several hours to learn through a series of trial and error, but the feeling of success when you do finally make it to other planets is unmatched in other games. Where does Destiny take you? The moon? Bo-ring. How about flying to the distant planet Jool and not having a way to return your Kerbals home safely forcing you to leave them to starve to death? Now that’s excitement.
The Wonderful 101 (Wii U)
Assuming you didn’t accidentally break your Wii U trying to force Destiny to work in it, The Wonderful 101 is a unique can’t miss game on the system. Unlike Destiny which only lets you shoot guns and a cavalcade of hidden powers and abilities, The Wonderful 101 lets you throw tiny superheroes at your foes. Using a creative control scheme, all of your weapons in The Wonderful 101 are created by drawing certain shapes either on the gamepad’s touchscreen or with the right joystick. Everything from a hammer, a sword, a whip, and a time-slowing bomb are at your disposal in this Platinum Games-developed action RPG.
4. Sell Vital Organs
Having two kidneys isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A billion kidneys Having Destiny. Your average kidney on the black market could go for upwards of $262,000 in the US. Not only could you buy an Xbox One and a hundred copies of Destiny, you could also not work for a few years to give yourself time to play it. Sucks you can’t drink any more, but you won’t find customizable guns at the bottom of your Bud Light bottle.
5. Watch Other People Play Destiny on Twitch
Alright, you’ve given up. Halfway through the kidney surgery you chickened out of that Home Depot back alley as fast as you could and you are sitting in your dark apartment staring at your 27″ monitor connected to your $1,500 super cooled Dual GTX 780-running gaming rig that can’t play Destiny no matter how hard you want it to. Why not watch a few streams?
Twitch and the streaming community has exploded over the past couple years, and for good reason. Not everyone can buy every game, and it’s genuinely enjoyable watching a fun personality playing through a game live. The majority of streamers implement some kind of facecam and are great at interacting with their audiences. Whether you want to watch a big name streamer playing some online matches and screaming profanity as loud as their microphones can handle or watch a small meek streamer happily going through the campaign and letting you watch the cut scenes, there is something out there for everyone. Here are some of the most popular at the time of this writing:
There you have it. Five different ways you can deal with your poor life choices and lack of a way to play Destiny. Whether you want to watch a movie, play a different game, cry alone, watch someone else play Destiny or sell a kidney, there’s something for everyone. If you have other ways you’re coping, let me know in the comments below or on Facebook, Google+ or Twitter.
Me personally, I’m in a football mood, so I’ll be rocking Madden 13 and its ridiculously low frame-rate on my Wii U until Hyrule Warriors comes out later this month.
Last Updated on November 27, 2018.
